Big Decision
“No man who has put his hand to a plow and looks at the things behind is well-suited for the Kingdom of God.” - Luke 9:62 
"How much greater punishment do you think a person will deserve who has trampled on the Son of God and who has regarded as of ordinary value the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and who has outraged the spirit of undeserved kindness with contempt?" - Hebrew 10:29-31
Embracing the Standards
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In the summer of 1994, I became an unbaptized publisher within Jehovah’s Witnesses. This step allowed me to participate in public witnessing and represent Jehovah and His organization. To reach this point, two elders interviewed me to confirm that my teachings aligned with the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses and that I had adjusted my life to meet the moral standards outlined in the Bible for Christians.
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I loved this arrangement. It gave me the opportunity to share my newfound beliefs in the way I would never find on my own, particularly through door-to-door witnessing. It also helped me see just how hungry people were for biblical truths. Even when people challenged my beliefs or argued, I could sense that many simply didn’t know better. Growing up under the same propaganda, most people—including those from the thousand-year-old Russian Orthodox tradition—had never really read the Bible. They clung to myths and expressions passed down without true understanding, like wishing the deceased, “Kingdom of the heavens to him!” Some weren’t even sure if there was life after death, despite hoping for the best.
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Sharing the truth was deeply inspiring and self-educating. Biblical teachings, like pieces of a puzzle, came together into one big picture that gave clarity and purpose. I observed how others, both unbaptized and baptized publishers, enthusiastically preached these truths and adjusted their lives to Bible standards—at least for a time. Some later stopped, unable to overcome resistance or arguments, or they gave in to the temptation to break moral standards.
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Through all of this, my love for the truth has remained wholesome and unshakable for over 30 years. But how did I feel about adhering to biblical standards? Let’s explore this next.
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Letting Go of Old Habits
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Before I became one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I smoked—not just cigarettes, but also other substances. However, I had clear boundaries. Watching good friends whom I respected and even imitated fall victim to drug dependence, and in some cases lose their lives, created a deep fear in me. While marijuana became a part of my habits, I never ventured further, as my sense of self-preservation held me back.
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I started smoking at the age of 10-11, influenced by my peers and my mother, who, as a smoker herself, wasn’t the best advocate against the habit. As you’ve seen in earlier chapters, I had immense respect for her, and perhaps that played a role in my behavior—not that she approved of it. I had to keep my habit a secret, and whenever she caught me, she punished me. This double life created a conflict within me, especially since I genuinely valued her guidance and wanted to avoid disappointing her. Of course, on the other side, I had a sense of camaraderie with my schoolmates. Being "cool" around peers was a powerful force. So, the habit persisted.
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The first time I attended an assembly of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I vividly recall the difficulty of finding a place to smoke. None of the attendees smoked, and during the lunch break, I felt awkward trying to hide while indulging in my habit. Surrounded by so many clean, upright people, I realized how out of place my behavior was. Despite my habit, I always maintained a sense of respect for others—even though, in typical Russian fashion, I occasionally harbored a sense of superiority. This mindset, I believe, was a product of the culture* in which I was raised. Respect for others, especially elders and those in authority, was deeply ingrained and highly valued. However, this cultural emphasis on deference also seemed to foster an unhealthy sense of ranking and superiority, creating a subtle but pervasive feeling of competition and comparison.
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*A Note to My Readers: As you journey through this book, you’ll come across moments where I pause to share seemingly small events or reflections from my past. These pieces may appear spontaneous, but they hold a purpose: to illuminate how my worldview was shaped and how the Word of God influenced my thinking and decisions. Each story, no matter how small, is like a thread in the fabric of my journey—adding depth, context, and understanding to the broader narrative. I encourage you to view these moments as stepping stones, leading to greater awareness of the transformative power of faith. They are not distractions but insights, each contributing to the fuller picture of how a life guided by Jehovah’s principles can take shape. Keep this in mind as you read, and you’ll begin to see how all the pieces connect.
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Under communism, our society emphasized moral standards that, in many ways, mirrored the teachings of the Bible—minus any acknowledgment of God or the need to worship Him. The censorship of culture by the Communist Party aimed to cultivate a clean and disciplined way of life as part of building a "paradise on earth." In hindsight, this ideological effort shaped much of my early personality and values, but it left a critical void: an understanding of God’s role in defining and guiding those standards.
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Though I found a place to smoke that day, returning to the crowd of smiling Witnesses who warmly greeted me made me feel deeply hypocritical. I couldn’t ignore the conflict within me. If you remember my admiration for Tom and Aloma Baker, as I mentioned in the previous chapter, you’ll understand the weight of this moment. That evening, when I returned home, I lit another cigarette, but the pressure from my conscience was overwhelming. It wasn’t just guilt—it felt like something greater. My conscience burned, and I knew I couldn’t continue this double life. That was my last cigarette.
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Looking back at that moment, I see it as more than just my own conscience at work. It was Jehovah’s touch, His holy spirit exceeding my own strength and desires. It was a power much greater than my own ability to overcome that habit. I’ve seen people struggle with smoking for years, yet I overcame it in one day after two profound touches.
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It reminds me of what happened when I prayed with just one word, “Jehovah,” and immediately came to the conclusion that I would become His witness. Or when I laughed uncontrollably during a Bible study, recognizing the truth of what I was learning—a realization that had once seemed impossible. And now, quitting smoking in a single day, with full conviction that it was over, marked another turning point.
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Do I fully comprehend what happened to me during these three occasions? To some degree, yes. But as you’ll see later, not entirely. These experiences, while profound, were just the beginning of a deeper journey.
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This is where Jehovah's moral standards started becoming my own, marking a transformation that others around me sometimes struggled to maintain. But as my story unfolds, you’ll see why I never gave up on these standards. They became a foundation, not just for my beliefs, but for my identity.
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Overcoming Exquisite Delights of the Sons of Men
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Before fully embracing the life of a Witness, one of the most significant challenges I faced was not just letting go of smoking but grappling with something far stronger—the attraction to the opposite sex. Romantic and physical connections possess an intoxicating allure, and for me, this was the greatest force I had to reckon with when considering Jehovah’s moral standards.
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When my mother first introduced me to the hope of living a life dedicated to Jehovah, it was deeply appealing in many ways. But there was one reason I said, “It’s not for me.” I couldn’t see how I could reconcile my life with Jehovah’s standards, especially given this struggle. The thought of giving up what Solomon referred to as “the delights of the sons of men” seemed impossible.
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As I studied Ecclesiastes 2:8, I found Solomon’s words intriguing. In the 2007 Russian New World Translation, the verse referenced “mankind’s voluptuous delights, many a lady.”( "great pleasure to the sons of men—a woman, yes, many women."- in Study Bible NWT@2015,2024 and "the exquisite delights of the sons of mankind, a lady, even ladies". - NWT with References @1984). However, when I compared it with the King James Version and the American Standard Version, the phrase was translated differently, referring to musical instruments instead. While I deeply appreciate the power of music—it has captivated me for hours on end—I find it hard to believe that Solomon would consider it the pinnacle of men's pleasure. Perhaps for modern individuals raised in harmony with high Christian standards, music might hold such a place. But for the men of Solomon’s time and for the majority of men raised in today’s society with loosened moral standards, I doubt this would be the case. The same could be said for the ancient Greek world, where indulgence in fleshly desires was prevalent. As the apostle Paul wrote: "God made you alive, though you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you at one time walked according to the system of things of this world, according to the ruler of the authority of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience. Yes, among them we all at one time conducted ourselves in harmony with the desires of our flesh, carrying out the will of the flesh and of our thoughts, and we were naturally children of wrath just as the rest" (Ephesians 2:1-3).
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Solomon failed to follow Jehovah’s law by multiplying wives, including women from nations Jehovah had specifically warned against. Solomon knew well the principle: “Because sentence against a bad deed has not been executed speedily, the heart of men becomes emboldened to do bad” (Ecclesiastes 8:11). Yet, he disregarded this warning.
Jehovah, on His part, acts in harmony with His ultimate purpose. He allowed Solomon and others to play their roles in progressing His developments, knowing that judgment would come in its due time. As the Bible assures us, Jehovah will bring everything into judgment, ensuring that all accounts are settled during the 1,000 years of judgment. This period will serve to square all matters and restore righteousness. (For further insights on judgment, see the story: "Power of Reason vs. Twisted Things.")
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Back to our theme: As I delved further into Solomon’s writings, I found that alternative translations, such as The Bible in Living English and Rotherham’s Emphasized Bible, brought a fresh perspective by restoring references to “a wife and wives” or “many a lady.” This interpretation resonated deeply with my reflections on human relationships and the powerful emotions they evoke.
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For clarity, my initial introduction to this verse in a translation I first used to learn Bible content suggested themes of musical instruments—or the magic of music. That understanding remained with me until I received the New World Translation in Russian in 2007. Admittedly, my exposure to alternative interpretations may have occurred earlier, as I had engaged with some Bible-based materials in English since 2000. However, my English skills were still developing, and it wasn’t until I married my American wife in 2003 and moved to the United States in 2006 that I began to fully explore and appreciate these nuances.
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What’s remarkable is how writing this book has sharpened my focus on subjects I once thought I understood. With every chapter, I uncover new layers of meaning in scriptures that now feel more profound than ever. Solomon’s words, in particular, have taken on a new depth, guiding me not only in personal reflection but also in sharing the insights I’ve gathered along my journey in the truth. Writing has become both a process of discovery and rediscovery, and I’m eager to share these findings with you, my reader. I encourage everyone to embark on similar research by writing their own reflections. You may find it just as enlightening and rewarding.
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For now, I need to step away from my personal story and take you on a journey of research to substantiate the truthfulness of my perception of Solomon's words—“Lady, many ladies.” However, I’m mindful that diving too deeply into this subject may risk losing your attention to my overarching narrative. At one point, this research was part of this page, but as it grew deeper and more intriguing, I decided it warranted its own section. I will publish it separately under the title My Lady on this website.
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I believe what I’ve uncovered is valuable, and I invite you to follow along with my investigation to see if my conclusions align with reason and resonate with your perception of Solomon's enigmatic "ladies." For now, let’s maintain the status quo of my initial interpretation until my research is finalized, and I have the opportunity to share it fully with you.
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Shaped by a Single Mother’s Influence
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Growing up with a single mother deeply instilled in me the importance of commitment and respect within relationships, especially the seriousness of staying loyal to "the wife of your youth"- Provebs of Solomon 5:18. Even during my time in the navy college, where the 'songs' of my classmates celebrated animalistic love with unrestrained enthusiasm, my mother’s early influence helped me maintain a certain standard of respect for relationships.
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Despite my exposure to this environment, I could never bring myself to cross the line of disrespecting a girl who was in a relationship. If the possibility of fathering a child had ever arisen, my personal experience of being raised by a single mother would have made it impossible for me to abandon a pregnant girlfriend. Thankfully, it never came to that, as I continued to search for a relationship built on a foundation of admiration and shared values.
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Outside of the truth, however, I never encountered a girl with whom I felt a connection deep enough to commit to for life. My girlfriends, while enjoyable company, were similar to the many ladies Solomon interacted with but did not find one among a thousand. Clearly, there is a much broader spectrum of qualities desirable in a lady with whom I could embark on the lifelong journey of being "one flesh." My mother's example was always before me—she never found another man after breaking with my biological father, a man who could become her Lord. Being raised in an incomplete family, I was hesitant to step into a serious, lifelong relationship with any of the girls I enjoyed spending time with.
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While I never came close to Solomon’s scale of experience, I had enough interactions to feel a similar hopelessness in finding my "rare coral" while I remained outside of the true knowledge of God. When I became acquainted with Jehovah, His purpose, and His standards, I had to face the decision of what place I would allow for the exquisite delights of the sons of men in my life. In the chapter "My Solomon's Journey," you will see how Solomon’s writings guided me through this challenge. Here, I will simply mention that my personal experiences resonated deeply with his inspired works.
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My mother often dismissed the girls in my life, much like Abraham casting away the birds from his sacrifices: “Then the birds of prey began to descend on the carcasses, but Abraham kept driving them away” (Genesis 15:11). Though awkward for me at the time, I now deeply appreciate how she protected me for the right moment. After experiencing so much and ultimately aligning with Solomon’s conclusions, I was prepared to exercise patience with the desires of my youth. Her words, "You can find a good Christian girl," finally made sense, and I was ready to wait for the right moment.
I suspect that being raised by a single mother left a lasting imprint on my identity, steering me away from unsuitable relationships. Why do I believe this? I recall a moment from my high school graduation when our class teacher gave a personal blessing to each graduate as she handed out diplomas. Her words about me were particularly striking: she praised my respect for women and advised the girls in the class not to miss an opportunity to catch me as a husband.
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These words stayed with me, though I didn’t know how to feel about them at the time. Looking back now, with 30 years of Christian maturity, I see them as a little summary of my childhood and teenage years. They are also a testament to my mother’s influence.
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As Proverbs says, "Let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth; Others, and not your own lips." (Proverbs 27:2) My teacher’s comment felt like a witness to the values my mother had instilled in me. Even though I lacked a father’s influence in shaping my character, my mother’s dedication ensured I grew up with a deep respect for women and relationships. It’s clear to me now that this respect shaped how I approached relationships in my younger years, navigating me away from unwise choices and grounding me in the values that would later guide my life in the truth.
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Overcoming Temptation and Finding True Fulfillment
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While in navy college, my weekends were spent in clubs. But these weren’t the kinds of clubs you might imagine in the Western world. Coming from a communist background, officer’s houses were "clubs" where cadets and young women gathered sometimes under the watchful eye of a patrolling crew, ensuring that everything happened "decently and by arrangement." Despite the structured environment, these gatherings were a place where relationships could blossom, albeit briefly.
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For a couple of years, I developed a relationship with a girl I met there. She stood out—gorgeous, refined, and more “lady” than shepherd girl. Though not of noble background, she carried herself with grace, and we were intoxicated by a mix of romantic and animalistic love. However, something always prevented us from progressing into a serious relationship. After I graduated and was assigned to the Far East, we naturally drifted apart without feeling a sense of loss.
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When I returned to Moscow in 1994, she visited me again. By then, I had become an unbaptized publisher of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and my perspective on life had shifted dramatically. This visit became a test—a chance to see how far I had come in my transformation. The tension of old feelings remained, but my newfound faith and adherence to Jehovah’s moral standards gave me strength. I took her on a boat ferry across the Moscow River, deliberately choosing a setting where she couldn’t leave prematurely. There, I shared with her the same hope and faith my mother had shared with me during her heartfelt presentation in 1993.
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She was visibly shocked by the transformation she saw in me. The man she remembered had been replaced by someone with a new purpose and clarity. I wasn’t intoxicated by our past relationship anymore; instead, I was filled with a much higher sense of joy and fulfillment—the joy of serving Jehovah. For the first time, I truly felt free from the pull of the “exquisite delights” that had once defined much of my life.
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Looking back over my 30-year journey, I see that maintaining Jehovah’s moral standards wasn’t always easy. The struggle against my human, animalistic nature has been ongoing, but it has been worth every effort. As I’ve grown older—now 55—the fight has become somewhat easier, partly due to the natural diminishing of youthful desires. However, the most significant factor in my perseverance has been my love for Jehovah.
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Jehovah chose me out of this world, granting me a credit of trust I didn’t deserve. Through his holy spirit, he gave me the strength I lacked, providing undeniable assurance that I am never alone. This relationship with Him has brought meaning to my life, filling me with satisfaction and happiness beyond anything I could have imagined.
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For those of you considering how to avoid missing out on something truly meaningful, I hope my story about wrestling with "equisite delights" helps you make the right decision. Interestingly, Solomon, after experiencing every possible pleasure, came to the same conclusion:​"The conclusion of the matter, everything having been heard, is: Fear the true God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole obligation of man. For the true God will judge every deed, including every hidden thing, as to whether it is good or bad." —Ecclesiastes 12:13,14. ​The journey may not always be easy, but the rewards are infinitely greater than anything this world can offer.
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A Turning Point: Dedicating My Life to Jehovah
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Even though my love for Jehovah still needed time to mature, my love for His truths and purposes already burned brightly. The feeling of His holy spirit was so delightful and fulfilling that it gave me the confidence and joy to dedicate my life to Him. In my prayer, I acknowledged the limitations of my own efforts to create a meaningful and successful life. I recognized the wisdom of His guidance and the privilege of living in harmony with His will.
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I understood that my life would still be my journey, shaped by my choices and challenges. But in that pivotal moment, I asked Jehovah to take my body and life as His possession, to use me as an instrument in fulfilling His will. These thoughts were clear and heartfelt as I expressed them in my dedication prayer.
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Looking back, I’ve gained a deeper appreciation of what that moment truly meant. Through that prayer, I was transferring ownership of my life to Jehovah, making myself His special possession. Although I immediately became active in sacred service, as you’ll read in the following chapters, it took time to fully comprehend the depth of belonging to Jehovah, rather than to myself.
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In the next chapter, I will recount how the ransom sacrifice of Jesus Christ was applied to me in a very literal and personal way. This experience brought me even closer to understanding my unique relationship with Jehovah. It’s a story that highlights how the ransom not only shapes lives but also redefines our purpose and identity. Stay tuned.